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As a relationship counsellor practising in North-West London, I know that this is the time of year when many couples ask themselves and each other, “Do we need relationship counselling?”

During the festive season, we spend more extended periods with family and partners, which often highlights any relationship struggles that may be developing. The New Year is also a natural time for reflection and renewal. It’s important to remember that what 2025 will bring for you depends on what you bring to it. So, if you have felt unsure in your relationship and want things to change, it’s a good time for a relationship check-in.

While it can be challenging to discuss this with your partner, once you both recognise that some things need to change, a relationship check-in can be a proactive, positive way to strengthen and improve your connection.

Common Themes That Bring Couples to Therapy:

As I began seeing clients again after the Christmas break, I reflected on some key themes that have emerged in my counselling practice over the past twelve months.

• Some clients attend after prolonged periods of non-communication, arguments, and distancing, which can lead to feelings of loss of any emotional connection and falling out of love.
• Older couples feel they want to change after too many years in the same relationship.
• The devasting effect of affairs.
• Young couples are often concerned about marriage after cohabiting for several years.
• Many couples face differences and decisions around having more than one child.
• Others have difficulty maintaining a relationship whilst caring for ageing parents.
• Some couples have strong feelings of having nothing in common.
• Many face anxiety about jobs, finances and living life to its fullest.
• Living with a partner with mental health issues.
• Living with a partner with addictions.

Most of these common themes will cause recurring conflict and emotional distance between a couple, and seeking help is essential. Many couples who have tried to resolve issues without the help of a counsellor will fall into a cycle of blame, which, in itself, becomes a barrier to resolution.

Do we need relationship counselling?

A relationship check-in is often more effective with guidance from a relationship counsellor. We can help create a constructive space, avoid blame, and foster understanding.

At my practice in North-West London, I help couples with self-reflection. Some of the questions that guide this reflection might be:

• How well do we work as a couple?
• What do we do well, and what could we do better?
• Are we communicating in a caring, loving way?
• Do we make time for each other and manage conflict well?
• How do we understand and support each other’s fears and anxieties?
• What do I recognise about my behaviour and its impact on the relationship?

Considering these questions can help couples identify and address any problems in their relationship. The same questions can also help celebrate the strengths and maintain a sense of connection.

Moving Forward:

Any healthy relationship requires ongoing attention and care. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but of strength.

After some counsellor-guided sessions (I usually recommend eight to ten sessions), you may happily make time for self-guided relationship check-in sessions using the tools and methods you have learned by working with a third party.

You will learn to view relationship check-ins as a gift to yourself and your partner for a stronger future together.

Remember, a relationship doesn’t need to be in crisis for you to come for counselling. Having a nonjudgmental, safe space to think and reflect on what we want from our lives and relationships with an experienced relationship counsellor can help clarify and facilitate change. If you would like to discuss working together, don’t hesitate to contact me HERE. I offer appointments from my private practice in North-West London or virtually via Zoom.

Reflecting on the Service of Remembrance for the men and women who gave their lives in the line of duty made me reflect on forgiveness and reconciliation.  In any close relationship, there will be occasions when the behaviour of the other hurts one or both partners. But it’s essential to explore what happens in these situations. Do we bear a grudge against our partner? Do we retaliate? Or can couples forgive each other? Even if nobody says sorry.

Why Forgiveness is Essential in Relationships:

Forgiving someone you love who has wronged you is challenging. If your partner has lied, kept secrets, done wrong, or cheated on you, the pain of betrayal is dreadful. However, knowing how to forgive your partner and let go of the hurt is vital for any relationship. It is one of the most important ways to keep your relationship growing.

When Forgiveness Feels Impossible:

I have counselled many couples over the years who come to therapy because one or both cannot let go of hurtful and harrowing emotions.

The painful situations that have caused such grievous hurt are wide and varied. One partner might be unable to forgive another for uprooting a family and moving to another country to pursue a job promotion. Another situation might be where a partner never attended antenatal classes, resulting in the other feeling unloved or unrecognised.

Forgiveness after an Affair:

It’s normal for most partners to feel enraged if they suspect or find out that their partner is having an emotional or sexual affair. The reality is that affairs result from many complex and confusing factors. So, the couples involved need to work through and understand why the affair occurred in the first instance.

I have worked with couples where one partner had a drunken kiss with a colleague at a work drinks party. At the other end of the scale are secret affairs that have been happening alongside marriage and family life for several years. Both situations evoke varying difficult emotions.

Sometimes, my work with a couple continues for several years after an affair. This is often because the partner the affair has injured is conflicted. A partner may want to leave a marriage because of their moral compass but struggle with splitting up the family and causing emotional pain to their children.

The betrayed partner is scared to forgive. They worry that their partner might minimise their emotions and start to think moving forward is easy.

I recently met a couple where one partner wanted to leave the marriage and her two small children. She wanted to begin a new life with her affair partner.  Her husband was so painfully hurt and full of resentment by her actions that he consistently refused to believe she was in love with someone else. He didn’t understand how his behaviours towards her may have contributed to her wanting to leave.

Stuck in a Cycle:

It’s hard to see any positive things about a relationship at times like this. Couples are left with only criticism, pointed flaws, and powerful negative feelings towards each other. It’s essential to understand what may be triggering this stuck pattern and how it may be related to past trauma. Maintaining toxic negative patterns takes a lot of energy. It’s much better to use that energy to find the courage and strength to forgive.

Breaking the cycle allows couples to move forward together rather than allowing unresolved resentments to dominate their relationships and put growth on hold.

The Benefits of Couple’s Counselling in Forgiveness:

Forgiveness can often feel completely out of reach for some couples. Unfortunately, the lack of progress wears them down, and they decide to end the relationship. But can couples forgive each other? The answer is yes. In fact, there are many benefits to putting the work in to forgive with the guidance of a couple’s counsellor.

Communication is often more accessible in a safe and nurturing space as your counsellor will guide you to work as a team, not enemies. They’ll help you understand each other’s emotions, rebuild trust and show up for each other more lovingly and respectfully.

The Importance of Empathy in Forgiveness:

According to the late Sue Johnson, true caring is the first and most crucial step toward forgiveness.  The partner who caused the hurt must take their partner’s hurt seriously and care.

Until they recognise and validate their partner’s pain, the partner cannot let go of it.

I often experience one partner doing everything they can to seek forgiveness, but their partner won’t forgive, is stuck in the past and continually holds it against them. For deep hurts, it takes time; in my experience, it often takes years.

Here are my tips for managing your unforgiving partner:

• Don’t lose hope. Adjust your expectations. There is no quick fix.
• Validate your partner’s feelings of hurt.
• Listen to your partner and be more responsive to their emotions.
• Ask your partner what they need from you to help them move forward.

Forgiveness is not about Forgetting, but Moving Forward:

There is often an expectation that a partner can magically sweep away betrayal; this is not the case. However, forgiveness can begin a new chapter in your lives, which can help you build a stronger relationship because of what you’ve both been through.

If you’ve experienced betrayal and are wondering, “Can Couples Forgive Each Other?” The answer is yes. Please get in touch with me. I offer couples therapy and relationship counselling online and in West Hampstead, North London.

How important is friendship in relationships? This question frequently arises in counselling sessions, and a recent social occasion caused me to reflect on it further.

I attended a birthday celebration for a dear friend. It was a gathering of old and new friends from far and wide. What struck me was the fantastic close bond of friendship that permeated the room. We were all asked to say a few words about our friend, and the birthday girl responded by recounting her special bond with every one of her guests.  The atmosphere in the room was so warm and loving.

I came away from that afternoon thinking about the importance of friendships, how we show up for each other, who we turn to, and the role friends play in our lives.

Our friendships have become even more critical in today’s fast-paced, often tumultuous world. They serve as an anchor, offering support, laughter, and companionship. But where does friendship fit into our romantic lives? And how important is it that our partner also be our friend?

How important is friendship in relationships, particularly between romantic partners? 

It’s not unusual for romantic relationships to begin with friendship. A solid friendship creates a foundation of trust, understanding, and respect, all essential ingredients for a thriving romantic relationship. Indeed, many people will say their romantic partner is their best friend.

However, in my work as a relationship counsellor, I often meet couples who have lost the friendship that once existed between them. This situation can happen when a couple is in crisis. The friendship that was once the foundation of their relationship can quickly turn into animosity. They might feel like enemies rather than friends.

Friends, lovers or both?

Many people wonder if it’s possible to maintain both friendship and romantic love with a partner. The answer is yes; for some, it’s crucial to their relationship’s longevity.

If you can laugh, talk, and truly enjoy each other’s company, your relationship is far more likely to withstand life’s challenges.

Sometimes, circumstances in a relationship (ill health, children, money worries) can temporarily cause sexual desire to fade. However, a deep-rooted friendship can help sustain the relationship. It can provide a level of emotional intimacy and connection, even when physical attraction isn’t at its peak.

Ultimately, being both friends and lovers creates a balance that makes any partnership more fulfilling.

How important are friendships outside your relationship?

Friendships outside of romantic relationships are also vital for our emotional well-being. Our friends often provide a different type of support to our partners. They help us see alternative perspectives, offer advice, and are usually a much-needed sounding board.

However, it’s essential to strike the right balance. There’s a delicate line between maintaining healthy friendships and letting those friendships impact your romantic life. Sometimes, complications arise when couples develop friendships with another couple, but the bond is stronger with just one person in that pair. It can create awkward dynamics and emotional distance.

Regaining the bond: 

If you feel that your friendship with your romantic partner is slipping away, here are some questions to reflect on:

• How do you show up as a friend in your relationship?
• What do you need from your partner as a friend?
• Do you make time for each other? Share special moments? Laugh together?

Friendship is about fun and shared experiences. However, it’s also about having each other’s backs during challenging times. In romantic relationships, this element often sustains couples.

As Oprah Winfrey beautifully puts it:

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”

This quote resonates deeply with me. Whether it’s your friend, partner, or both in one, those who are willing to stand by you in difficult times genuinely matter.

If you need more help, please get in touch with me. I offer couples therapy and relationship counselling online and in West Hampstead, North London.

September to me often feels like January.  It’s the start of real change as summer holidays fade into the background, darker evenings are creeping in and its back to work and our old routines.

As we start to make these adjustments, perhaps this is also the time to reflect on our relationship with our partners in a positive way and ask each other how we make sure we preserve the energy we had during the holiday break.  It’s not very helpful to just go back to how things were and keep repeating the same behaviours that leave us feeling dissatisfied and unloved.

Here are some useful suggestions that can help you work through this transitional time more positively:

1. Prioritisng the relationship.

The quality of our partnership is crucial to our wellbeing and security.  Often at the start of a relationship we are so fired up with excitement, it can feel quite effortless.  Successful long -term relationships involve effort and compromise. This is the time to take time out to think together what we want from our relationship, whether we need to change things about ourselves and to make sure we give our relationship the time and effort we often give to so many other parts of our lives.  Sadly, I hear from so many couples that their relationship is way down the ladder of priorities, so its hardly surprising when things start to unravel.

Of course, we all have stressful times at work where time for our relationships is severely limited when there aren’t enough hours in the day, and we are burning the midnight oil.  But if we allow this to become our norm, the quality of our relationship will suffer badly.

2. Feeling I am the person I want to be in my relationship

Staying connected to who you are is critical. I see many partners who feel they must change themselves into someone they don’t want to be to make their relationships work.  Continual disconnecting from what’s important to you will lead to a build-up of resentments and disappointments in the relationship.  Ellen Bader from the Couples Institute encourages differentiation in her couples.  She defines differentiation as the active, ongoing process of understanding, identifying and expressing your own thoughts, feelings and desires and be steady with these feelings whilst your partner does the same. Helping couples recognise differentiation as a sign of growth and an increasing loving relationship.

3.  Working together as a team

Successful couples want to help each other live the best life, which means understanding their values and their needs and how we show up for each other.  Over time the early hopes and dreams of being in a loving relationship can be replaced over the years with complacency and laziness.  How do you keep in touch with why you are together and your shared vision for the future that changes through the different stages of your relationship?

We need to know our partners are there for us in the way we need it.  I often work with couples who hold on to feelings of being let down at crucial times, and just let feelings fester away and avoid talking about them, until they just burst out as conflict.  Recognising that both parties can work to move out of these destructive patterns learn from these patterns to create a relationship that feels so much more connected and one that can move forward and grow.

4.  Focus on each other’s strengths rather than their weaknesses

5. Showing up with vulnerability. Opening- up to a partner you care deeply about and feel safe and secure with is the best way of living a fulfilling relationship.  The more we allow ourselves to be seen the stronger our connections become.

6.  Effective communication – There are times when couples often feel they are talking a different language when we don’t feel listened to or understood.  Men and women communicate differently.  Successful couples manage to navigate these differences, so their connections create closeness and promote vulnerability

The happiest couples I see in my practice are those who want good results and are prepared to work consistently to remember and share what is important to each of them, and to ask each other what will be required of ME to make that happen.

I’m very excited to welcome you to my recently launched updated website. To coincide with this, I ‘m going to be posting more regular blogs mainly based on issues that often show up between couples in my consulting room.  Added to this will be shorter blogs on any topic that grabs my attention, or I think will be of interest to you.

So, it’s Monday morning and the Olympics 2024 ended yesterday and I’m feeling quite bereft today.

Many of us have been glued to our television screens this past fortnight in awe of the amazing athletes and their unbelievable achievements of smashed world records and personal bests.

What struck me more than the actual sports was the importance of the Olympic Values.  The original values as written in the Olympic Charter were to ‘encourage effort’, ‘preserve human dignity’ and develop harmony’. They have now evolved into:

Striving for Excellence, Respect and Friendship. These seemed to shine through as we witnessed more medal achievements, team camaraderie and respect between the different countries, regardless of political affiliations.

We witnessed the amazing support the athletes had from their families.  Many had travelled from far and wide just to be in Paris.  For years families provided love, guidance and support with punishing schedules and often rigorous training programmes to help follow their children’s dreams.

Surely, we can bring some of these amazing qualities we have seen this past fortnight into our relationships too:

• Establishing goals in your relationship and recognising there may be differences, and how we can make that work.
• Reflect on what we say and how we say things to our partners.
• How do we show respect and care rather than blame and criticism.
• Stay focused on each other rather than turning away.
• You are on the same team, work together rather than pull apart.
• When things don’t always go according to plan and we are hit by something that we hadn’t planned for, don’t give up, dig deeper, stay resilient and strong and work through the difficult times together.
• Find time to talk and connect rather than putting work first and only texting.

This year more than ever many of the athletes had gone thought very difficult times with their enormous mental health challenges.  They fought so hard to overcome their hardships to come back stronger and more determined than ever to succeed.

We are so proud of them and can learn so much from their courage and resilience in the face of adversity.

Last week’s Mental Health Awareness Week (13-19 May) theme was Movement. Simply making time every day last week to step outside in daylight and increase my steps made a significant change to how I felt and managed my stress.

Working as a couples ‘therapist for over 25 years I am acutely aware just how many more of us are struggling with mental health or that of their partners. Thankfully now there is much more awareness and understanding of mental health conditions but sometimes it’s difficult to make sense of how mental health issues impact on a couple relationship.   

How does mental illness affect the couple relationship and how does a partner navigate these difficult times?

We all experience ups and downs in our relationships but if one or both people in the relationship are having mental health problems this often brings extra challenges and we underestimate the impact this can bring to the strongest of relationships.

The mental health problems that often present in working with couples are: Acute Stress, Depression, Anxiety, Addictions, Self -Harm, Grief, Pre and Post -Natal Depression, Eating Disorders, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Bipolar and Borderline personality disorders.

Although our romantic relationships should provide security and comfort, they can also be a source of depression, anxiety and stress. A question that’s often asked is whether relationship difficulties contribute to mental illness or whether mental illness causes relationship distress.

This is a difficult one as there is often no clear answer. Highly conflictual relationships can cause significant stress and where individuals are more vulnerable to mental issues relationships can trigger mental health symptoms.

Here are some examples of issues in relationships that can affect our mental health:

1. COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN

When one or both partners are experiencing poor mental health, communication is often the first thing to break down as they struggle to make sense and articulate what is going on for them. It feels easier to just closedown and withdraw or to keep fighting and arguing in the same old way. A breakdown in communication and distancing from each other often leads to couples feeling alone and isolated, often increasing depression and anxiety. Partners can feel impatient and discouraged when they see no signs of improvement.

2. ADDICTIONS AND ALCOHOLISM

Partners with addictive behaviours can bring additional stresses into a relationship which can cause or exacerbate mental health issues. Alternatively, a partner with a mental illness can resort to addictions to serve as a coping mechanism and numb the pain.

3. FINANCES

Financial difficulties, job stress, long working hours, job loss, career change, retirement can be key major contributing factors for mental health problems.

4. HEALTH

Poor physical health, acute illness, operations, hospitalisation, having a baby, post- natal depression, going through the menopause and caring for family members can all be difficult to navigate for a partner with mental health issues. Partners can become overwhelmed with becoming carers for their partners and families and eventually get worn down and resentful suffering with their own mental health problems.

5. PARENTING

Changes in parents ‘mental health can often affect children. They often pick up on your low mood and anxiety. Dealing with your child’s mental health can often prove very stressful and overwhelming leaving very little space or time for the relationship.

In my practice I frequently hear how a client can struggle to cope when a partner is affected with mental illness. What used to be a shared partnership in work, finances and parenting, becomes the sole responsibility of one partner to keep all the wheels turning. At times if these feelings aren’t acknowledged, resentments grow.

6. DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

If a partner lives with depression, they often seem very withdrawn and disinterested in you and the things you both once shared together and enjoyed. This emotional distancing can be harmful in the long term.  Displays of excessive worries and feelings of guilt and shame, confused thinking and extreme mood changes are examples of mental health problems.

7. INTIMACY ISSUES

Partners with mental illness may suffer with low self-esteem and lack confidence about how they feel sexually as well as performance anxiety. This can result in disinterest in sex and intimacy, leaving partners feeling rejected and unloved. Anti- depressant medication can often result in decrease in libido and performance anxiety.

HOW TO STRENGTHEN A RELATIONSHIP WHEN A PARTNER HAS A MENTAL ILLNESS

1. BE PATIENT

At times this can be a really big ask, but the more patience you can show for a partner the more it shows that you are really trying to understand what they are going through.

2. BE SUPPORTIVE AND CONSIDERATE 

in the way you show your love, empathy and compassion as you both try and navigate your way through this difficult time. 

3. ENCOURAGE A PARTNER TO BE MORE OPEN AND HONEST ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL

This often takes time to build the trust to feel you are there for them and you do care. It may be easier to write a text or email than talk face to face initially.

4. LEARN AND READ AS MUCH AS YOU CAN ABOUT THE ILLNESS

The more knowledge and understanding we have reduces the misconceptions and stigma so often associated with mental illness.

5. LOOK OUT FOR POTENTIAL TRIGGERS 

Be more aware of identifying and recognising triggers. 

Experiences of trauma are particularly vulnerable to triggers.

6. SEEKING THE RIGHT OUTSIDE HELP 

and showing support through this process. Take time to research the right help from organisations or therapists who you can talk to or meet up online. Online forums and chat lines are a useful place to meet people who are having similar experiences. Going to couples therapy can be hugely beneficial. A regular session can offer a safe place for both your thoughts and feelings to be shared and understood. It can very much help to minimise damage to the relationship and help you both to enjoy being in it.

7. LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF 

is vital otherwise it can be very difficult to be continually supportive. Ensure you keep doing your normal routines. Meet with friends and get plenty of exercise and rest. This can give partners parameters to help them improve and get well.

8. REMEMBER POSITIVELY WHY YOU ARE TOGETHER 

Often a partner will feel ashamed and guilty for bringing this difficult problem to the relationship and may feel they will be abandoned by you.  It is also likely that the carer in the relationship will often feel overwhelmed and can’t carry on.

Mental Illness in a relationship can be very challenging for a couple to handle and can often lead to a relationship ending. However, it’s important to stress that with the right help and guidance we can recover and manage mental illness better.  

I often share this quote from Noam Shpancer:

Mental Health…is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going.

Dawn Kaffel

If you would like to discuss things further or to make an appointment, you can call me on either:

07976 403741 or (020) 8959 9528.

Alternatively you can contact me by email by clicking here.

In couples therapy sessions, focus is often taken up with hearing and seeing aggression and anger being played out. Passive aggression on the other hand is harder to identify often staying under the radar just bubbling away.

Passive aggressive behaviour is defined as “behaviour that is seemingly innocuous, accidental or neutral but that indirectly displays an unconscious aggressive motive “. Passive aggression is a way of expressing negative feelings such as annoyance or anger indirectly rather than directly. This kind of behaviour can be very harmful to relationships and can often lead to heartache and loneliness if misunderstood and not addressed.

How does Passive Aggression show up in a relationship?

When a couple have a healthy relationship with anger, they can usually feel it and tell each other what’s upsetting them, discuss it and find a resolution and move on.

Passive Aggression can be very subtle and often difficult to put your finger on. It just lurks around waiting to show up in many ways. It usually presents from someone who is unable to express their hurt feelings and anger openly and honestly so resorts to dishonesty and a lack of authenticity. They act passively but express aggression covertly.

Does this cycle feel familiar?

A passive aggressive partner can try and block whatever it is you want. Their unconscious anger gets projected onto you and you get angry and frustrated with them. Your fury is theirs but rather than owning it they calmly ask why you are getting so angry and blame you for the anger they are provoking. Ongoing passive aggressive behaviour like this perpetuates resentment in a relationship and ultimately erodes it.

Some examples of Passive Aggressive behaviours in a couple relationship:

• Denial
• Fault finding and veiled threats.
• The cold shoulder/silent treatment.
• Use of sarcasm or back handed compliments.
• Avoiding responsibilities for tasks
• Saying “I can’t “but meaning “I won’t”.
• Saying “Yes” but meaning “no”.
• Procrastinating and deliberately forgetting to do things.
• Pretending things are fine when you know they aren’t.
• Purposely push your buttons by doing things that will cause issues.
• Deliberate criticism and name calling.
• Refusing to discuss their partners concerns.

At times we can all engage with some of these behaviours but when there is a consistent pattern of multiple symptoms, its more than likely you are dealing with a passive aggressive partner.

As a couples therapist it’s important to be aware how passive aggressive behaviour can show up towards me in a therapy session which can be extremely useful to share with a couple. For example, a client may decide to withhold payment without giving any explanation and will often find an excuse when asked about it, rather than be honest about their feelings. Equally a client may not like how a session may have gone one week and decide to cancel without any explanation.

Why we behave passive aggressively?

There are often several reasons that contribute to passive aggressive behaviour:

Raised in an environment where passive aggression was learnt as acceptable perhaps as a response to care and affection not showing up that much.
Growing up in an environment where anger was not an emotion that was accepted or validated, so developing passive aggressive behaviour may have been a way of gaining some kind of control.
Being bullied as a child or facing discrimination because of being part of a minority group may make you feel you have no voice. Instead of being assertive and expressing emotions reverting to passive aggressive behaviours is an alternative.
Feeling stressed and/or depressed.

Strategies on how to deal with a passive aggressive partner

Passive Aggressive behaviour can be difficult to identify and to deal with. Consider these ways of dealing with a passive aggressive partner:

Respond rather than react. Try not to respond with anger to passive aggressive behaviour. Take a moment to pause and take a deep breath instead of lashing out and escalating the conflict.
Communicate your feelings of what you are experiencing to your partner in a calm, clear, assertive way, not in the middle of an argument or when emotions are high.
Don’t blame or criticise your partner. Use the “I” word to share your feelings and stick to the facts.
Show interest in understanding together where this behaviour may have come from and be specific about the changes you would like.
Noticing a partner’s behaviour – can you take time out to find out what may be going on for them rather than going straight to anger.

If these strategies do not help improve the situation with your partner, it may be time to seek out professional help from an experienced Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT)who will help you understand and make sense of your emotions and how they are linked to your behaviour. EFT helps change on-going negative cycles of arguing and conflict by helping couples understand their more vulnerable emotions.

EFT focuses not only what happens between two partners, but it also encourages each partner to develop greater self-awareness of his or her own emotions and behaviours.

Dawn Kaffel