January 2025

As we are well into January, my counselling sessions with clients at my West Hampstead clinic and online are in full swing. I often see patterns emerge as couples have taken time for reflection over the Christmas and New Year break. This year, there is some emphasis on past hurts and attachment injuries. But what is an attachment injury, and how can couples overcome this?

What is an Attachment Injury?

Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, defines an attachment injury as one that occurs when a partner fails to provide comfort and care during a critical time.

That moment when a partner fails to meet an urgent attachment need creates a wound in the relationship that can profoundly impact trust and emotional safety.

For example, if one has lost a job or has a health problem and a partner dismisses the urgency and responds with – don’t worry about it, it’s not that important – it can make you feel like your partner hasn’t shown up for you in the way you need. You may question whether you can trust your partner to be there for you. Without trust, you can’t risk being vulnerable and sharing. If this becomes a pattern in the relationship, the deeper you will feel hurt, the longer the wound festers, creating a negative cycle of blame, resentment and withdrawal. The result is that a relationship status can change quickly from secure to insecure.

How Common are Attachment Injuries?

At some point, every relationship experiences an Attachment Injury.

Last week, at one of my counselling sessions, a client told me that on her 50th birthday, her partner never gave her a birthday card or gift. She was heartbroken, but the couple never discussed her hurt. Ten years later, approaching her 60th birthday, she expected him to pull out all the stops. Unfortunately, the same thing happened, leaving her questioning whether to stay in the marriage. In a decade, the couple has never discussed or resolved this attachment injury, resulting in pain and disconnection for both.

Can an Attachment Injury heal?

The good news is that couples can heal from attachment injuries and restore their secure connection by working with an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) couples’ therapist using the Attachment Injury Resolution Model (AIRM). This counselling process has three stages.

Stage 1: De-escalation

The injured partner identifies and names the event that caused the injury. Expressing pain and hurt in a safe environment.

The offending partner listens empathically without defensiveness, dismissiveness or justification. This stage of the process leads the offending partner to understand the event’s significance better and acknowledge the pain caused to their partner.

Stage 2: Exploring the Impact of the Injury

The injured partner shares their feelings of betrayal and rejection, and the offending partner accepts their responsibility and expresses genuine remorse for the hurt caused. This part of the process helps the couple understand how the injury has changed their relationship.

Stage 3: Forgiveness and Reconciliation

With the help of your couples counsellor, you revisit the injury with renewed emotional responses that express care and love and identify how to avoid future injuries.

As part of this process, the injured partner must see and feel their partner’s efforts to repair and forgive them. The offending partner needs to reassure the injured partner of their love and care to create a bonding relationship rather than a traumatic one.

Recognising When It’s Time to Seek Help.

Pain and disconnection in a relationship can indicate unresolved attachment injuries.

However, with guidance from an EFT therapist, you can repair your relationship, move forward, and grow again, creating a stronger and more lasting bond.

While this is not always easy or quick, it is very worthwhile. I can help you from my clinic in West Hampstead or online. Please get in touch with me if you would like to discuss attachment injuries or any other challenges in your relationship. I offer couple’s counselling sessions at my West Hampstead-based practice or online.

Common Themes That Bring Couples to Therapy:

As I began seeing clients again after the Christmas break, I reflected on some key themes that have emerged in my counselling practice over the past twelve months.

Some clients attend after prolonged periods of non-communication, arguments, and distancing, which can lead to feelings of loss of any emotional connection and falling out of love.

Older couples feel they want to change after too many years in the same relationship.

The devasting effect of affairs.

Young couples are often concerned about marriage after cohabiting for several years.

Many couples face differences and decisions around having more than one child.

Others have difficulty maintaining a relationship whilst caring for ageing parents.

Some couples have strong feelings of having nothing in common.

Many face anxiety about jobs, finances and living life to its fullest.

Living with a partner with mental health issues.

Living with a partner with addictions.

Most of these common themes will cause recurring conflict and emotional distance between a couple, and seeking help is essential. Many couples who have tried to resolve issues without the help of a counsellor will fall into a cycle of blame, which, in itself, becomes a barrier to resolution.

Do we need relationship counselling?

A relationship check-in is often more effective with guidance from a relationship counsellor. We can help create a constructive space, avoid blame, and foster understanding.

At my practice in North-West London, I help couples with self-reflection. Some of the questions that guide this reflection might be:

How well do we work as a couple?

What do we do well, and what could we do better?

Are we communicating in a caring, loving way?

Do we make time for each other and manage conflict well?

How do we understand and support each other’s fears and anxieties?

What do I recognise about my behaviour and its impact on the relationship?

Considering these questions can help couples identify and address any problems in their relationship. The same questions can also help celebrate the strengths and maintain a sense of connection.

Moving Forward:

Any healthy relationship requires ongoing attention and care. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but of strength.

After some counsellor-guided sessions (I usually recommend eight to ten sessions), you may happily make time for self-guided relationship check-in sessions using the tools and methods you have learned by working with a third party.

You will learn to view relationship check-ins as a gift to yourself and your partner for a stronger future together.

Remember, a relationship doesn’t need to be in crisis for you to come for counselling. Having a nonjudgmental, safe space to think and reflect on what we want from our lives and relationships with an experienced relationship counsellor can help clarify and facilitate change. If you would like to discuss working together, don’t hesitate to contact me HERE. I offer appointments from my private practice in North-West London or virtually via Zoom.