Author: daragh

For therapists, uncertainty is an issue that often comes up in therapy and never more so than now. It feels that over the past eight months when the first lockdown started, couples therapy sessions became more focused on uncertainty and anxiety than I can ever remember. Uncertainty about health, job security, schooling, finances, aging parents and the impact of the American election are to name a few. Now into our second national lockdown there seems to be an even more profound sense of uncertainty.

Living with uncertainty is nothing new. We live with it all our lives. What is different now is the pandemic has highlighted the scale of it and the problems and consequences that comes with it.
I see this with couples that can normally manage uncertainty well but now both partners are finding it difficult to manage their own uncertainties let alone the others. Often sessions become a place of anxiety and tension as couples engage in unhealthy behaviours that push each other way rather than move in closer to each other. Nothing can be more stressful than having uncertainty in our relationships. It comes from fear, fear of loss and losing control and not knowing what’s coming next.

Living through two periods of isolation has put the spotlight firmly on our partnerships like never before. We have never experienced living so close to one another for so long without our usual social outlets. This has meant that we seem to have become more hyper-vigilant with our partners, seeing things we never saw before, hearing things we never heard or said before. Forced to focus on the everyday minutia seems to have made us forget the bigger picture.
Therapy sessions seem to be a place where little problems become big ones, where there used to be energy between them, there is now lethargy. Closeness is replaced by distance, warmth by coldness. Neither can really make sense of what’s not working, but everything from making the bed, to going out for a walk, somehow has become a battleground.

When couples are uncertain during these difficult times it seems to question the security of the whole relationship. When we feel insecure we tend to behave badly. I see partners becoming self focused on what they are not getting.
Focusing energy on what their partner isn’t doing or what their partner should be doing. Finding fault with difference rather than seeing difference as their strength as it was initially
Fear and loss are often the emotions that are routed in uncertainty and never more so than now. It can feel like a roller coaster. This fear can manifest in many ways in the counselling room:

• Self- esteem – if we don’t have a healthy self -relationship, it’s hard to expect to have one with a partner
• Should I stay or leave?
• Would somebody else be better for me?
• Ending long term relationships because lockdown has given them an insight of what living together might look like when retirement arrives
  Cancelling a wedding due to fear of losing independence and having to commit to one person for the rest of their lives
• Anxieties about finances and employment feels overwhelming.
  Decisions whether to have a first child or more children is now permanently off the agenda
  Ending a relationship in order to avoid the potential of being hurt (again).
• Breakdown of trust as more partners seek comfort outside a relationship
• Uncertainties may be a result of childhood experiences and/or previous relationship issues
• Recognising how uncertainty plays a part in our couple interaction is all very well but how can we feel more comfortable with uncertainty and use it in a more positive any.
  I often ask couples to try and ask each other these questions. If that feels too difficult at first, perhaps try writing them down:
• How do I feel about me?
• How do I feel about you?
• Do I care about you and how do I show it?
• Do I want to make you happy? And how do I do that?
• If you have established that you care for each other, you can move on to try and identify calmly and honestly what are your uncertainties? Holding onto them will only cause resentments in the long run. Communication is everything.
• Take time out to acknowledge how you are feeling and what you notice about yourself. Are you more irritable, are you having difficulty sleeping, eating and drinking more than you would do normally. Is your uncertainty contributing to an increase in your stress and anxiety levels?
• Do you have the same uncertainties or are they different?
• Does my uncertainty come from the past?
• Do we have the same expectations of a relationship?
• What makes me happy about you?
• What bothers me about you?
• Do we share the same goals?

Today we are told that a vaccine may be on its way and hopefully that will help alleviate a lot of the anxieties that we have all been dealing with.

We will look back at these unprecedented times of uncertainty and recognise that building on our resilience, to manage our difficulties, helping others who need us, we will emerge better people as a result of this

“If uncertainty is unacceptable to you, it turns into fear. If it is perfectly acceptable, it turns into increased aliveness and creativity – Eckhart Tolle
If you would like to discuss things further or to make an appointment, you can call me on 07976 403741 or (020) 8959 9528. Alternatively, you can contact me by email: dawnkaffel@couplescounselling.com. Dawn Kaffel

Celebrating Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year this weekend was a very different experience this year. Covid 19 prevented many people attending synagogue services and participating in the familiar customs. The rule of six made it difficult for families to celebrate all together and partake in festive meals.

This period is the start of the window of opportunity called the 10 days of repentance where every living person’s fate is determined by God and then sealed for the year ahead with a 24- hour fast day called the Day of Atonement
However despite so many of these vital festive customs missing this year, synagogue communities have worked tirelessly to make sure even if we are going to be staying at home, we could still participate by zooming into synagogue services and reading explanatory guides and compilations of stories and essays annotated with discussion points put forward by learned rabbis and teachers.

Having this specific time of year to press the reset button and clarify what life is really about feels even more relevant this year than previously. It made me think about seeing this as an opportunity to dream of who we can be and understand our responsibility to become that person.

This is a time for self-introspection to think how to better our lives and realign our values. It’s a time to be mindful of ourselves, of each other and life itself. By doing this we can work out how we got here and what it is we need to continue to work on.
It was Rabbi Jason Kleiman’s article on Articulating the Importance of our Closest Relationships that resonated with me. He suggests that Birthdays and Anniversaries are annual opportunities to focus for those celebrating as well as for families and friends to take stock of the importance of relationships, and how these have developed. These occasions prompt people to express in words and gestures their love and appreciation for each other, through cards and gifts and the spoken word. So it is with the New Year being a birthday marking the creation of life and an anniversary marking the beginning of our relationship with God.
It is this relationship with each other that requires a specific annual appraisal during these ten days. At this time we need to ask ourselves the following question: Have we expressed our love to those who are most important in our world?

It was Shakespeare who said, “They do not love that do not show their love.”

Rosh Hashana is the perfect opportunity to tell those who are most important to us of our love for them and to do it on a regular basis not on just high holidays and celebrations.

For each of us to make the coming year what it should be, we need to pay close attention to and take time to examine the trajectory of our relationship.

• Do we feel that we are on the right path? Do we need to correct our course?
• How much do we focus on our partners’ behaviours rather than focus on our own?
• If you are struggling in the relationship have the courage to share what isn’t working for you in a calm caring way that can open up a conversation and bring a deeper connection.
• Don’t assume you know your partner, check things out. It’s normal in long relationships to realise we need different things from our partners.
• Don’t make assumptions that your partner will never change. Give each other the opportunity to understand each other’s experience.
• Pay closer attention to our own needs. Some of us don’t take time out to think about our own needs – but unfairly expect our partners to know.
• How much time and energy do you put into understanding what your partner is feeling? Do you make assumptions based on years of the same behaviour but never bother to question or be curious?

More importantly we need to ask ourselves some important questions that may help us to understand our partners better:

• Why am I behaving in this way?
• Why do I have so little time and energy for my partner?
• What part to I play in the loss of our sexual connection?

With thoughts on the difficulties of the past six months and as we face the enormous uncertainty going forward, this new year, 5781 points to a powerful perspective from which to reflect and consider our lives and the parts we play and how we would like them to be going forward.

In the words of John F Kennedy “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciations is not to utter words but to live by them”.
If you would like to discuss things further or to make an appointment, you can call me on 07976 403741 or (020) 8959 9528. Alternatively, you can contact me by email: dawnkaffel@couplescounselling.com. Dawn Kaffel

Who would have thought that at the beginning of March when lockdown started and we were all in a state of shock, that three months later we would all still be coming to terms with this global pandemic and its unknown implications for the future.

Rarely before, in over 20 years working as a therapist, have I felt so much similarity and connection with my clients as we all try and navigate around staying safe and well.

From 16 March I was forced to close down my consulting rooms and stay at home. My client caseload disappeared overnight. My clients equally lost their safe space and their regular weekly face-to-face sessions. There was no time to say goodbye or really process these enormous changes. The essential therapeutic alliance felt under threat.
I was apprehensive about working from home – something I had never done before – always appreciating the importance of placing the boundaries between my work and home life. I had so many questions. Which room was I going to work from? How would it work being in lockdown at home with a partner and family? Finding time and space might be challenging. My clients were experiencing the same anxieties and many finding they just had no space as a couple to have their sessions, as there was no privacy in their homes.

Whilst I have worked online with Skype for many years, I had to adjust to the new Zoom technology. Clients were initially not keen to work online saying they preferred to wait until we could meet face to face once more. As the weeks of lockdown continued however, clients tentatively adjusted to working virtually, often struggling with technology in ways that had never been asked of them before. It has been a steep learning curve to manage my own challenges whilst being alongside my clients with theirs. I have been amazed how my clients have shown so much resilience in shifting their regular face-to- face meetings to working virtually, even when finding it impossible to find a safe, secure place in their homes to have a session, and having to resort to their cars, or even an empty car park. This is on top of managing the impact of isolation, the anxiety of potential job losses, home schooling, fear of catching the virus and in some cases grieving for loved ones – to name just a few.

Thankfully, all of my clients in their own time have returned to working with me and new enquiries are increasing every week. Working online for me seems to have created a new intimacy, as clients invite me into their space as opposed to them coming into my consulting room. I chose a room where there are blank walls. They choose a room that says so much about them, a bare empty room, a room full of books and clutter, a bustling kitchen worktop or the intimacy of their bedroom, sharing with me parts of themselves that I would never have been part of in my consulting room. I now see things that were unavailable to me a few months ago. When clients come to see me straight from work, they are often dressed in corporate work wear. Now some come to sessions in their pyjamas!

Boundaries seem less rigid: having the family pet come and sit on the lap of a client, bringing in the baby who is crying, sitting with a cup of coffee or even a glass of wine, opening the front door for the supermarket delivery. These actions that were once discouraged and even disapproved of, now seem just part and parcel of our new interaction.
Initially therapy sessions changed. The work we had been doing for some time seemed inappropriate. Discussions were needed ranging from being anxious about where to buy food, how to home school and being separated from our loved ones – to the fear and dread of hearing the government’s daily Covid reports with the escalating numbers of patients diagnosed and losing their lives. I found myself using words like ‘challenging times’, ‘unknown feelings’, ‘stressful situations’ frequently. Clients checked in with me as to how I was coping and it felt we were facing the same challenges at the same time and they looked to me for support and guidance.

Three months on, we have settled into a different way of being and working. I have to say that I am really enjoying working virtually, despite the testing technical difficulties at times. I have been amazed at the resilience and determination of my clients to continue working together. I’ve noticed that working virtually for many couples has brought easiness, a slowing down that gives more capacity for thinking. Perhaps it’s merely the fact that not having to travel to a session has caused less stress. During this time I have had no cancelled sessions or requests for rescheduling. Clients who used to be frequently late for sessions are waiting on screen for me to connect.
Is it possible that having a screen in front of us brings just enough distance between us that it creates more safety for couples that they don’t feel in face to face sessions? A husband who had an affair but was stuck in his shame found his voice, a female client who couldn’t come to terms with her partner’s attachment to his children, now shares her emotions.

Just this morning my inbox is bombarded with retail shops advertising they are opening for business and offering all kinds of enticement to get us back to old shopping habits as the governments tries to kick start the economy.

This made me think as we start to emerge from lockdown, what will I take away from the last three months and how will I move forward? Will I just go back to how I worked before, or does this unique time help me and my clients move forward with clearer ideas of how we want to live our lives?

I am still unsure about what the future brings, but what I do know is yes, I really miss seeing and being with my clients face-to-face and can’t wait for that to restart. I also feel that working virtually for me has been a huge learning curve and I will want to continue that journey with any clients who want to accompany me.

If you would like to discuss things further or to make an appointment, you can call me on 07976 403741 or (020) 8959 9528. Alternatively, you can contact me by email: dawn.kaffel@couplescounselling.com

Dawn Kaffel

Are your parents too intrusive in your relationship?

 

In my consulting room I am often not just sitting with a couple who are experiencing difficulties in their relationship, but with a couple who metaphorically bring their parents with them to every session and spend more time talking about their relationship with them than about their own couple situation. This chronic intrusiveness by in-laws often greatly disturbs or threatens the relationship of their grown up children. Strong families are a gift but excessive parental involvement can create enormous tension and difficulties.

There can be many reasons for this:

Talking about a parent is a distraction from addressing couple issues

The parental attachment feels safer and more secure than the couple attachment
Lack of emotional separation from parents
Absence of boundaries in the couple

A partner can feel more listened to and understood by a parent than a partner

It can be tough to understand just how difficult it can be for a partner who often feels he/she is competing with a parent for love and attention. They often become defensive and fear that they will be forced to choose between their partner and their parent.

Why do parents interfere and why do children allow this?

Entitlement
Often parents feel that because they have given birth and raised their child they have a right to have some say in their child’s life. This usually manifests as a general concern and a desire to show love and concern and well-meant advice given when needed. Unfortunately in many cases a parent role and more especially a mother’s role can extend to inappropriate behaviour and interference, which often starts with disapproval of your child’s choice of partner that continues throughout their lives.

Crossing boundaries
When parents interfere inappropriately they cross boundaries that can cause untold problems between the couple. Parents can go directly to their child’s partner behind their back to express their own opinions about something. How often do I hear in a session that a partner speaks to their parents three of four times a day? When we discuss this and suggest thinking about the meaning of this, it is often met with a lot of fear of ending the close attachment with a parent, rather than understanding that a partner may feel less important less wanted than a parent.

Being overly attached
The professional matchmaker Susan Trombetti who runs Exclusive Matchmaking in Maryland describes the monster of all monsters is “The Mama’s Boy”. This is when his

mother is often interfering and constantly sees his partner as a threat and becomes very competitive for her son’s attention, a role she has always played in his life since childhood.

Parental problems
If either parent are having their own individual difficulties or problems in their own relationships, this can often be more demanding on their children who might feel they need to be there more for their parents than their partners.

Money
Money is a big way that parents can interfere. If they are generous with money or offer to help out with money it can feel as they have control over your relationship and can seriously affect the balance of power between the couple and lead to long term resentments.

Visits
Parents often don’t realise how important quality time is for a couple and often parents over involvement, wanting to see you on a regular basis, turning up for an unplanned visit, expecting to go away together can be intrusive and frustrating for any couple to manage. Its not unusual to hear in therapy sessions, often years later, just how damaging a parents continual presence after a birth of a baby can be for the couple.

What can a couple do?
Helping a couple to understand the impact that their over involved parents have on their relationship is not always easy as often its not something parents recognise that they are doing anything wrong.

What counts is how you as a couple handle it. Here are some suggestions:

• Supporting each other in maintaining stricter boundaries: Where your parents involvement starts and finishes
• Don’t always defend your parents behaviour, instead be more understanding of how their behaviour might have affected your partner
• Try not to excessively complain about your in-laws. Holding a wise tongue is often preferable
• Be adult and tell them to take a step back Decision making and planning is your responsibility not theirs. You are setting your own agendas and sometimes it may not be to their liking.
• Make time to see your own parents on your own as well as with your partner.
• Your partner should be your go to person not your parent
• Your partner needs to feel prioritised over a parent
• Consult with your partner before consulting with your parents
• Don’t over-share with your parents. Sharing fewer details with your parents will keep them less involved.
• Don’t let parent’s pressurise/manipulate you into prioritising them over your relationship.

By putting your partner first, understanding his or her feelings and standing up to parents in order to set boundaries and protect the relationship, you are more likely to have a more successful intimate relationship.

If you would like to discuss things further or to make an appointment, you can call me on 07976 403741 or (020) 8959 9528. Alternatively you can contact me by email: dawnkaffel@couplescounselling.com. Dawn Kaffel

Already into the third week of the New Year, how many of us are still going strong with our new year’s resolutions to do dry January or Veganuary, to do more exercise and eat less sugar? How many of us have found the novelty has worn off all too easily and returned to our old habits? How many of us are going to make 2020 the year when we prioritise our relationship and put it at the top of our to-do list rather than at the bottom?

Dr Rangan Chatterjee GP, writer and resident BBC Breakfast Doctor believes it’s the small changes that can make a big difference. In his recent new book Feel Better in 5 he confidently suggests that by introducing three simple practices called Health Snacks into your daily routine, none taking longer than 5 minutes to complete, will bring real benefit.

Each Health Snack focuses on a different aspect of your health: Mind, Body and Heart ensuring that you are taking care of your whole self.

He explains so clearly how we are all creatures of habit. Research suggests that almost half of all the activities we engage in over the course of a day are done out of habit. We don’t think twice about cleaning our teeth every morning and making a morning cup of tea. These simple everyday activities which we do without thinking can be very powerful and have more affect over our health and well being than large and occasional activities. So how do we incorporate new habits into our everyday lives? Again research shows that for habits to become part of new behaviours they have to be easy and we need to start small.

This got me thinking about how this approach could be tailored for couples who come to therapy feeling their relationship is not prioritised, in a rut and they’re going on separate paths.

Here are my Health Snack suggestions that can bring benefits to your relationship:

Mind

• If we don’t take care of our own worries and concerns it can impact negatively on our relationship. You can do this if you:
• Download your stress and anxiety out of your brain by taking 5 minutes preferably every morning on waking to write them all down. Downloading regularly will contribute to you starting the day with a calmer clearer mind.
• Spend 5 minutes each day enjoying nature together whether through sight, sound or smell. Research shows just going out barefoot onto grass can bring positive health benefit.
• Go with the flow – allow yourself to be absorbed in something that calms and quietens down your mind. This may be doing a crossword, or Sudoku, listening to your favourite piece of music.
• Focus on your breathing together whether lying in bed, lying on the floor or sitting in a chair. Place one hand on your tummy and one on your chest. Just focus on taking a deep breath through your nose and then letting it go. With each inhale and exhale pay attention to where your breath comes in and out of your body. Repeat for 5 minutes.

Body

Making our bodies stronger hugely contributes to our feelings of wellbeing. Getting motivated can be difficult but setting aside regular time to exercise together will make it more likely that you keep the consistency going. Think about doing them:

• as soon as you wake up
• In the kitchen whilst you wait for the kettle to boil
• Before lunch either at home or work
• As soon as you get home from work
• Before dinner
• Before going to bed

There are so many exercises available to suit everyone’s ability. You don’t have to be an expert to exercise but its important to slow down and enjoy some time for yourself. You don’t need to belong to a fancy gym to exercise together it can be done in your home, here are some ideas:

• Jogging on the spot
• Jumping Jacks
• Press-ups
• Squats
• Put some music on and dance together

Heart

According to Dr Chaterjee, our hearts enable us to feel love, to connect with others and to connect us to ourselves. Good connections are vital to our well-being and never more so than in our partnerships. The harsh realities of modern life mean that we often neglect to prioritise time with our partners, turning, instead, to modern technology to provide our needs which can have devastating consequences. Five minutes a day nurturing your relationship can have hugely beneficial affects. Try these:

• Instead of focusing on all the things that irritate and annoy you about your partner, take time to write down 5 things that you love about your partner. This regular routine can refocus negative thinking into more positive feelings, bringing more calm and patience to the relationship
• It’s the simple everyday things that can make the biggest difference: how we greet each other, show kindness respect and appreciation. What tone of voice and words we use with each other.
• Energy and commitment is required on both sides to make your relationship the best it can be
• Taking regular time to check out with your partner whether you feel supported and loved. What is it you both bring to the relationship and is it what your partner needs?
• The need to stop what you are doing and make time for each other at the end of the day. How important is it to feel you come first for your partner?

Put away electronic distractions and be more present with each other. Listen and be attentive and interested in each other. Try not to interrupt when the other is speaking and don’t try to problem-solve. Here are some ideas: Think about a daily act of kindness towards your partner
How do you show that you are still curious about each other?

• Focus on your partner’s strengths rather than their weakness. · Be less critical and more complimentary.
• Write down 5 things that you are grateful for from your partner.
• Take time out to consider the impact of showing and receiving physical affection

Of course, the New Year will bring challenges – that is part and parcel of being in a relationship. With a shared desire to use 5-minute Health Snacks to add new habits to your relationship, you are on your way to a more loving and fulfilling relationship for 2020.

If you would like to discuss things further or to make an appointment, you can call me on 07976 403741 or (020) 8959 9528. Alternatively you can contact me by email: dawn.kaffel@couplescounselling.com.

Dawn Kaffel

Following my previous blog ‘Is it Gutsy to stay in a marriage after Infidelity’ (please click here to read it) which discusses the book co-written by Hilary and Chelsea Clinton ‘The Book of Gutsy Women’, I recently attended a packed Royal Festival Hall watching Mary Beard in conversation with Hilary and Chelsea Clinton about their book. They were also guests on the Graham Norton show.

As they embark on their publicity tour to promote the book, it has got me thinking about their mother daughter relationship. They looked very comfortable in each other’s company and they showed a mutual respect and love for each other that shone through as they talked, bantered and laughed together. They are both feisty women with strong opinions and, I imagine that they probably have frequent rows too. It seems as if their relationship works but who knows? It made me think just how important a mother daughter relationship is in our everyday lives and wonder how it affects our couple relationships?

What category of mother-daughter relationship do you have?

A recent article in The Telegraph* described the following four categories:

i) Best friends:
Mothers and daughters are not best friends and it’s not particularly healthy to behave with each other as if you are. It can result in over sharing on the mother’s part that can be very burdensome for a daughter. To avoid being stuck in a permanent child-like relationship, achieving emotional separation is a crucial part in growing up which allows the child to become an adult who can make her own independent choices.

ii) The Sunday night caller
What does it mean if you only speak to your mother once a week? Does it mean you have a bad relationship? Or does it show that you have a strong bond and can manage separation and can tolerate difference? Are you calling out of duty rather than love? Perhaps you have had a difficult relationship and now you may be geographically separated, has your relationship has improved?

iii) Can’t live with/her can’t live without her
The actress/comedian Dawn French says of her relationship with her daughter Billie “Our relationship exists in a bizarre kind of process of peacetime, small battles, war”…. The love, thank God, is profound and I do thank God, because I love that kid so much that sometimes if I don’t like her or she doesn’t like me, we survive it. This surely is a great example of a healthy parent-child relationship.

iv) Mum as staff
Nowadays it is not uncommon for mothers to play a significant role in the child care of their grandchildren whilst a daughter goes out to work. However, this can
often lead to a mother feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of by an unthinking daughter. Likewise, it can lead to a daughter feeling her mother is taking over and imposing the same parenting as she experienced on her grandchild when she wants it to be different. What’s important for a healthy mother daughter bond is that any issues can be tolerated in a conversation and be sorted.

Mother/daughter relationships can be complex and diverse but also the most important relationship you will probably ever have. Because of how intense and powerful it is, it shapes every other relationship you may have. It is also the strongest of all parent/child bonds when it comes to how our brains process emotion. Mothers occupy a critical role in their children’s physical and emotional growth. According to a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience, the part of the brain that regulates emotion is has greater similarity between mothers and daughters than any other intergenerational pairing.

The bond between mothers and daughters can influence our lives in ways that aren’t always obvious. For most, our relationship our mother is often our first primary attachment relationship. This bond can be very powerful and influential and sets the stage for all future relationships. It helps shape:

• our self esteem and self confidence
• our sense of identity
• our capacity to self care and nourish
• our ability to cope with our feelings

The mother/daughter relationship that is attuned, secure and connected builds a platform from which we can grow and separate in a healthy way. A shift needs to be made in your heart that your adult child has become autonomous. This may result in your child making choices that differ from the ones you would like them to make, that doesn’t mean they are wrong, just simply different. Accepting that your role as a mother changes from protecting and instructing to supporting and encouragement helps your child develop their own abilities and resourcefulness.

Unfortunately, not all mother daughter relationships are healthy ones. They can often be fraught with anger, disappointment and loneliness. Here are some of the feelings that get expressed in sessions when mothers’ distance themselves.

• She always criticised me
• She wasn’t interested in me – I felt ignored
• I never felt I could do enough or be good enough
• I was a disappointment
• My sibling was her favourite child • She never made time for me.
• I felt dismissed and rejected
• Her drinking was more important than me
• There was no kissing or cuddling for comfort.

Difficulties also arise when mothers are too closely attached to their daughters, are inseparable and continue to be as enmeshed with their adult child as they were when they were children. Mothers may not acknowledge any kind of boundary between them, resulting in a daughter’s sense of self being swallowed up.

Working with couples I often see clients whose problematic relationship with their mother gets projected into their current adult relationships. They often feel their partner’s behaviours towards them replicates the difficult feelings they have carried with them from their mothers since childhood. These insecurely attached daughters often find themselves emotionally needy and clingy to their partners, needing constant attention and reassurance. Therapy helps clients to heal these wounds and work towards a better understanding and to connect differently.

If you would like to discuss things further or to make an appointment, you can call me on 07976 403741 or (020) 8959 9528. Alternatively you can contact me by email by clicking here.

Dawn Kaffel

Hilary Clinton was speaking to ABC’s Good Morning America this week to promote a book she wrote with her daughter Chelsea ‘The Book of Gutsy Women. ‘

When asked “what was the gutsiest thing Hilary had ever done” she replied “politically running for President and personally making the decision to stay in my marriage with my husband – just getting up every morning and keep going.”

Esther Perel whose book ‘The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity’ challenges the stigma of shame we face in choosing to stay with a partner. whereas it used to be choosing to divorce that carried the stigma.

This raises very challenging questions for couples facing issues of infidelity and seems to be what brings more and more couples to couples therapy.

Is it gutsy to stay in a marriage with someone who has cheated on you, or is it cowardly and self destructive to stay with someone who has broken your trust and let you down so very painfully?

Knowing the relationship will never be the same again, does it take more guts to leave a marriage and leave the mess behind you? Or is it more gutsy to stay with a partner when you have been betrayed to try to make sense of what has happened rather than justify ones behaviour.

Although infidelity is still the main reason why couples split up and is the most painful and agonising to go through, it can also be the most incredible turning point in a relationship where a very different relationship can be created and thrive.

Both partners have to make the decision to really work on their relationship there is no simple answer to this horrific situation – to stay can be seen as self defeating and fearful. What message am I giving you by deciding to stay?

Lots of things have to change after an affair. It takes a great deal of courage to admit to being so hurt and betrayed by your partner. Just as it is so shameful for the betrayer to face up to how much hurt and humiliation they have caused.

How do you show contrition? The person who has strayed demonstrates how sorry they are, but after time can get irritated by continually having to show remorse.

This is what psychotherapist Lucy Beresford calls ‘The Museum of Hurt.’ If the betrayed partner is constantly reminding the betrayer of what they have done, after a while this is doesn’t help and perhaps signifies that only one partner is doing some of the work to repair.

Saying sorry is not enough – actions have to speak louder than words and give the message that they are not going to hurt their partner again. There are, however, people who either find it very difficult to do the work, or are not prepared to put in he amount of time and effort that is required to heal this trauma.

If you are in a long term relationship where there is a lot of care and love, when was the last time you really took time out to really work together to check in with each other, to make time to show real interest and connection? Affairs are very rarely about having more sex or falling in love with someone else. More often they are a commentary on the individual as well as the relationship as it is at this moment in time, where we are and what we have lost or what we feel is missing.

Lucy Beresford in her conversation with Vanessa Feltz on BBC Radio London says that infidelity forces us to look in the mirror and take a long hard look at ourselves. Do I like what I see? Who have I become in this relationship and what do I need to change?

Taking time out to talk to a couples therapist often feels risky for some couples but it can really help to make sense of what has happened to us. It gives us the opportunity to show the responsibility we both take in taking care of ourselves and our relationship and what changes we both need to make. Placing trust in an experienced couples therapist to shine a light on a relationship that has been in hibernation and help you as a couple make decisions whether you can stay together and grow together or address the need to end the relationship. Now that’s gutsy!

If you would like to discuss things further or to make an appointment, you can call me on 07976 403741 or (020) 8959 9528. Alternatively you can contact me by email: dawn.kaffel@couplescounselling.com.

Dawn Kaffel

In a recent couples counselling session, a client disclosed to her husband that she was in a lot of debt but had been too afraid to share this with him. This came as a complete shock to him and he questioned what sort of marriage they had if his partner didn’t feel able to share this with him. Yet again this made me acutely aware of just how difficult it is for many couples to talk about money and their finances. It seems to be even harder than talking about sex.

Even when there is a lot of love and connection in a relationship, money issues are high on the list of subjects that couples argue about and cause conflict. This is probably why couples avoid the topic, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. Couple arguments about money tend to be more problematic and more likely to remain unresolved.

We come into our relationships with inherited attitudes, emotions and beliefs about money from our family backgrounds. We may not be fully aware of what we bring to our relationships about our own feelings about spending and saving, but it often gets acted out in our relationships. If we experienced parents who were careful with money, we often want to emulate that if it was a good experience. However if it wasn’t, we may want to do the opposite and be frivolous with money.

Understanding that we have an emotional relationship with money helps make sense of our feelings and behaviours around it. How we feel about money is often tied up with our need to feel secure, in control and independent.

Money can be challenging in a relationship when partners have contrasting relationships to money for example if one wants to spend and the other to save there is the potential for conflict. What happens if one wants to spend in a certain way and the other to save in a different way? Having polarised views can be challenging if not talked about and understood. Our individual emotional relationship with money often gets projected into our relationships. For example if we see ourselves in the role of a care giver and provider which makes us feel secure, how will this effect a partner who may not be used to being provided for and highly values their financial independence.

We don’t like to acknowledge that money can cause a power imbalance in our relationships. This is more likely to happen when there is a big difference in a couples salary and how money is spent and bills paid. Do you have separate bank accounts and/or joint accounts?

Money doesn’t have to be a wedge in your relationship. Learning how to talk to a partner about finances in a healthier more satisfying way is hugely beneficial for a growing relationship.

The key to dealing with this complex issue is to be open and honest with each other about how you feel about money, what money means to you, your attitude and values and where money fits into your relationship with each other. The need for clarity in how you plan to share finances, manage your spending and pay bills will enable you to have a better understanding and connection to one another’s perspective.

Useful questions to ask each other:

• How important is money to you?
• What messages did you get from your parents about money?
• How do you feel about spending money?
• What are your thoughts about saving money?
• Do you identify with being a spender or saver?
• Do you budget?
• Are you worried about money?
• Do you manage money well?
• Have you ever been in debt or had gambling problems?

If you feel money is an on-going issue that is contributing to conflict and distancing in your relationship, you may find it useful to take time out to talk to about it in counselling in a confidential safe setting.

If you would like to discuss things further or to make an appointment, you can call me on 07976 403741 or (020) 8959 9528. Alternatively you can contact me by email dawn.kaffel@couplescounselling.com.

Getting back into work after the summer break is always a varied and an interesting time. Some couples feel the break has been far too long and can’t wait to resume their weekly sessions. Other couples feel the summer break has been good for their relationship and decide to end their sessions. It is often a time to reflect and be curious as to what new clients may present at an initial session.

Interestingly a theme that has already presented is navigating couple relationships when there is a big age difference of over 15-25 years?

Traditionally these relationships have been the subject of many clichés – ‘It’s a mid-life crisis’, ‘toy boy’, ‘old enough to be your mother/father’, she’s only after his money’. Now due to more celebrity relationships being in the public eye age-gap relationships are more common and acceptable and not always regarded as negative and suspicious!

Before beginning a relationship with someone much younger or older it’s important to consider your motivations. Someone who dates an older person may be seeking a more parental figure than a romantic partner. They may be firmly established in a career and will be able to provide financial security.
Someone who dates a younger person may be seeking more fun and excitement in their lives plus the sexual connection is more energising and exciting.

Does Age Matter?

Research suggests that the success of a relationship depends on the extent to which partners share values, beliefs and goals, trust and support each other and if there is a strong physical and sexual attraction. These factors have little to do with age. It is acknowledged that as long as couples can communicate and work at their relationship, age should not pose a barrier.

Make sure your values, morals and life goals match up. That doesn’t mean they have to be the same but to understand where the other is on these issues and to be able to work on them together.

However what brings age-gap couples into therapy is often they are at a very different stage in their relationship where the age gap appears to be more significant and they are finding it very difficult to talk about how they feel and start to behave very differently with each other. This starts to make the relationship feel insecure.

Issues that present in age gap relationships and questions we should ask each other:

• Do we share future goals, where and how we live?
• Do we want a family?
• Do we fit in with each other’s family and friends?
• How does it feel to be the older and more mature of the couple?
• How does if feel to be the younger and more of the caretaker?
• Does it feel as if the relationship is equal and one partner doesn’t hold power over the other?

At the start of the relationship, the age gap can feel exciting and something couples don’t make a big deal of. It’s often after many years of being together that cracks can start to appear.

An older partner can slow down and have less energy for the younger partner. They may be happier spending more time at home than previously. The younger partner starts to feel resentful and can decide to lead a separate social life, not wanting to be a carer and no longer showing much interest in sex. This in turn triggers feelings of anxiety in the older partner who feels they may be rejected for a younger model. Alternatively, a younger partner may be wanting to start a family of their own, but now realises this is not what their older partner now wants since they already have a family from a previous relationship and don’t want to start again with a young baby.

Having said all this, the age gap shouldn’t become the total focus of your relationship. Sometimes unnecessarily dwelling on this can turn things negative when they don’t need to be. Whenever there is conflict we tend to go to our vulnerable spots, which in this case may be the age difference, but that might not actually be the issue at all.

Taking time out to understand these feelings is vital to maintain a successful relationship. Each partner needs to understand themselves as well as understanding their partner and what they need to keep any relationship alive and growing.

Its good to remember that when you truly love someone, age doesn’t matter, whether it’s a difference of 2 years or 30 years, love is love.

If you would like to discuss things further or to make an appointment, you can call me on 07976 403741 or (020) 8959 9528. Alternatively you can contact me by email dawn.kaffel@couplescounselling.com.

Dawn Kaffel

Two news items caught my attention this week: how stress impacts relationships and whether there is a stress gender divide.

1. The first is new research released for National Stress Awareness Day on 1 November 201. It shows that many more women than men are feeling stressed and anxious.

Data showed that:

· more than half of women (54%) experiencing stress or anxiety are struggling to sleep – while less than 4 in 10 men do (39%)
· More than half eat junk food due to stress compared to a third of men
· Nearly half (45%) have taken out their stress on partners or family – in contrast to less than a third of men (31%)
· Almost a third (29%) have had panic attacks due to stress compared to less than one in in five of men (31%)

Do women juggle with more caring and parenting responsibilities that need to be juggled with their careers?

2. The second is the BBC 2 programme Trust me I’m a Doctor Mental Health Special who were testing out some of the claims that can help to reduce stress, only some of which are supported by scientific evidence.

Working with couples it is becoming more evident how big a part stress can play between partners and how difficult it is to stay connected amid the difficulties. When conflicts arise it’s much easier to blame our partners:-

· ‘How could you have done that?’
· ‘Why didn’t you empty the dishwasher?’ · ‘You never ask me about my day.’

These are all everyday examples of annoyances, disappointments and criticisms that can easily lead to the blame game with our partners. It seems simpler to focus on these negative interactions than to consider how much stress may be a major contribution. Do we even realise how much stress can be the cause of our relationship distress?

Many couples continually juggle with busy work schedules and parenthood and run a hectic lifestyle. This can be difficult enough. Throw into the mix lack of sleep, financial worries, illness and family issues – it’s not difficult to appreciate the constant presence of stress in our lives.

How does stress affect a relationship?
When a stressed partner does not get the support they need from their partners, this often leads to feeling isolated and ignored in the relationship and the tendency is to withdraw or fight. If we confront our partner for not supporting us, they often feel misunderstood – not even realising their own behaviours.

Even if we aren’t stressed ourselves, we are often not very responsive or miss the opportunity to provide comfort and help to our partners. We often don’t want to admit to ourselves that everything and everyone is making you irritable.

If both partners are overwhelmed with stress at the same time, which often happens, the situation worsens. We use each other to vent and take it out on our partners by picking fights over little things and being overtly critical. This often becomes a competition for who is not cared about the most.

How to stay connected under stress
Some partners chose to keep stress to themselves in order to protect a partner. Other partners chose to off-load at every opportunity making it difficult to find any relief. Neither way is ideal. Use this situation as an ideal opportunity to connect with your partner and really try to understand what they need in the way of support from you right know and how to give it. It may be as simple as practical hands-on assistance or it may include more physical comfort and emotional reassurance.

Learn to be more aware of just how much stress your partner may be experiencing. Don’t just look at the negative behaviour but try and understand together what might be going on below the surface.

At times we presume our partners should know when we are stressed and get reactive when they don’t respond in the way we want them to. Perhaps the answer to this is to ask for help when it is needed in a way that will get the response you need from your partner.

Take time out to support your partner’s stress head on. Sitting down together, taking time out to listen, to offer comfort and understanding rather than focusing on yourself, these are not only key factors in managing stress but show our partners in those important moments that we are truly there for them side by side no matter what.

Stress doesn’t need to threaten our connection to our partners, it can bring us closer together when our stress hormones activate our brain’s systems. Instead we can respond with compassion, love and cooperation.

If you would like to discuss things further or to make an appointment, you can call me on 07976 403741 or (020) 8959 9528. Alternatively you can contact me by email via my website.