Many couples come to see me when something in their lives has changed. It might be a health concern or a bereavement, or any other significant change within the wider family. Events like these can make us stop, take stock, and think differently about the people and relationships that matter most to us. These life-changing events can, of course, bring couples closer. However, they can also often highlight how much of everyday life has become about simply keeping things going. And if you have already been feeling disconnected from your partner, an unexpected event can sometimes bring that into sharper focus.
When Relationships Become About Getting on With Life
There is nothing unusual about couples falling into routines. And, in fact, being able to manage life together is part of what makes a long-term relationship work well. But, in hectic households, and over time, some couples can become so focused on the mechanics of “getting on with life” that they stop noticing how they feel as a couple. Conversations might be about plans, responsibilities, and what needs to be done next. Finding time to be together can become challenging in the everyday hubbub of life.
Of course, this doesn’t always mean that a relationship is unhappy or in trouble. However, when a relationship has fallen into this pattern, an unexpected event can sometimes put that “functionality” under a microscope.
When Life Makes Us Take Stock
A health scare, caring for an ageing or unwell parent, bereavement, parental separation or divorce, or another major family change can alter our sense of what feels important.
Events like these can remind us how much we value our partner and the life we have built together. They can also raise questions that may not have been at the forefront of our minds before. Have we been making enough time for each other? Have we stopped appreciating what is good between us? Or, have we become more focused on functioning as a team than feeling close as a couple?
Unexpected events can also affect partners in very different ways. One person might want to talk and seek reassurance; the other may not. They may focus instead on the practicalities of dealing with the situation. Those differences alone can also sometimes create distance or misunderstanding.
Do We Need to Wait for a Wake-Up Call?
The question that prompted me to write this article is whether we need something significant to happen before we stop and think about our relationships.
We are generally comfortable with the idea of looking after our physical health before we become seriously unwell. We attend check-ups, respond to signs and symptoms, and make changes when something doesn’t feel quite right. Perhaps our relationships deserve some of the same attention.
Couples counselling is often associated with relationships that are already in crisis, but is there a case for it being preventative? Counselling can allow couples to address small tensions before they become bigger ones, talk about things that are too easily pushed aside, and recognise patterns that might not be good for a relationship.
Sometimes, simply having a space to talk about things can be helpful. Couples may begin to notice aspects of their relationship that everyday responsibilities have overshadowed. We do not necessarily need to wait for a crisis or a frightening moment to ask how our relationship is doing.
Taking Notice of What Matters
Long-term relationships will naturally change over time. There will be periods when life feels busy, demanding, or uncertain, and it is not always possible to give the relationship the attention we might like. But sometimes, taking stock can be valuable in itself.
If you have been feeling disconnected from your partner, whether following a significant life change or simply because your relationship has gradually become more focused on day-to-day responsibilities, couples counselling can offer a space to reflect on what has changed between you.
If you would like support in reconnecting with your partner, I offer couples counselling from my practice in North London and online. Please do get in touch.