Recently I walked into a room full of people and didn’t know the rules or what lay ahead. It was a taster session for Mahjong, the tile game that started in China in the mid-1800s. Mahjong seems to be having a renaissance in the UK, with groups meeting in clubs and cafés, and I was intrigued to find out what it was all about. What I hadn't anticipated was how much this experience would make me reflect on my work in couples therapy in North London.
I have been a couple’s therapist for 25 years; I have led groups and spoken in large businesses, yet when I sat down at the Mahjong table, I felt very vulnerable and fearful of making a fool of myself. As the teacher started talking about the rules and objective of the game, I found my brain shutting down and couldn't remember what each tile represented. I was aware I might make mistakes in front of people I was meeting for the first time.
The Vulnerability of Starting Couples Therapy
I am used to being the leader and the educator with my clients. I help them understand what they bring to each session and build a therapeutic alliance. At that Mahjong table, I had to do the opposite. I had to listen, ask simple questions, and let the professionals, who knew more than I did, guide me through the taster session.
The reason I decided to write this article about my experience is that it helped me better understand just how difficult it can be for some couples when they arrive for their first 'taster' session of couples therapy.
Some couples may appear confident and outgoing, but inside they may be experiencing similar feelings to those I had. Walking into an unfamiliar environment, not knowing quite what to expect, or worrying about saying the wrong thing can all feel daunting. It reminded me how important it is to recognise that vulnerability, even when it isn't immediately obvious.
What Mahjong Can Teach Us About Relationships
In Mahjong, you cannot pick up a new tile without discarding one. Every time it's your turn, you need to decide which tile to keep and which to discard.
This principle is much the same in couples’ therapy. Each partner must decide what they want to bring to the session and what they would prefer not to. How they talk to their partner and how they take ownership of what they bring are both part of the process.
Mahjong is a game you play against three other people, and although you are concentrating on your own tiles, a good player is also watching what the other players pick up and put down. What someone discards tells you a great deal about what they need.
This is mirrored in therapy. I notice what each client brings to the session, watch their interactions carefully, and recognise that it's not only what they say that matters. Their physical responses, as well as their emotional ones, can reveal a great deal.
Part of my role is to help tease out what they are not saying or feeling, and to remain interested and curious about why something is so important to talk about and the feelings behind it.
Learning to Trust the Process
By the end of the Mahjong taster session, I felt my anxiety levels had settled. A result of the teacher’s excellent guidance, which gave me confidence that I would soon get the hang of this strange game.
It reminded me how important it is to feel comfortable with the person guiding you through an unfamiliar experience. When we don't know the rules or what lies ahead, having someone patient, understanding and experienced can make all the difference.
For couples considering therapy for the first time, there may be similar feelings of uncertainty. You may not know what to expect, what to say or how the process will unfold. And you certainly don't need to arrive knowing all the answers. Part of the therapeutic process is creating the space to explore those questions together.
I left that evening prepared to sign up for my first beginners' course in the new year, but also with a reminder to myself of how positive and energising it can be to try something when you don't know the rules, especially when you can trust the person guiding you through some of life's challenges.
If you and your partner are considering couples therapy but feel apprehensive about taking that first step, please do get in touch. I offer couples therapy from my practice in North London and online.