In couples counselling, one question I often reflect on is what helps couples move beyond awareness and towards creating lasting relationship change. I was therefore very much looking forward to attending this year's This Can Happen Conference. A conference where companies come together to address workplace mental health. Yet again, there was a real buzz in the room. 300 delegates were eager to hear and learn how effective their various company strategies for dealing with a wide range of mental health issues in the workplace had progressed this year, and what the current research was showing.
I thought it would be hard to follow the huge success of last year's conference, but I needn't have worried.
The conference was exceptional due to the depth with which the varied subjects were tackled. These included trauma in the workplace and understanding its impact on work, financial and mental well-being in times of crisis, and suicide awareness. This provided a framework for a panel of brave and courageous speakers to discuss openly and honestly their experience in the workplace and what has changed.
Every session brought depth, honesty and real humanity to the topics that matter most.
What really struck me were the words of the founder of This Can Happen, Zoe Sinclair: "Awareness is not the same as Change".
The more I reflected on those words, the more I thought about how relevant they are to the therapy world.
Awareness Is Only the First Step
Companies are encouraging more mental health champions and increasing programmes and signposting employees more than ever. However, burnout is still rising, and workplace mental well-being challenges are worsening.
This mirrors what is happening in the therapy world. In my practice working with individuals and couples, there is greater interest in therapy than ever before. I'm sure this is partly due to the stress and complexity in the world right now, which impacts our work and home lives.
There are more books to read, courses to attend and webinars to help expand our experiences than ever before. There is also the growing challenge of AI, which can answer all our questions on tap without the need to pause and reflect for ourselves.
With all this in mind, it's important that I measure whether I am just helping clients become more aware of their roles and the cycles that continually show up in their relationships. Or, more importantly, whether the work being done in sessions and at home is really bringing about change?
Awareness is understanding why we do something and behave in a certain way. True therapeutic change requires an emotional or behavioural shift.
How Does Change Happen in Couples Therapy?
I have started to discuss this more with my couples. Many say that change happens because the early sessions are vital in creating safety and structure. A space where they do not feel judged but instead feel it is a safe place to explore thoughts and feelings.
Slowing things down helps partners talk rather than attack, and listen to each other rather than withdraw. Couples start to identify the negative cycles that continually show up and keep them distant and distressed from one another.
It's when clients start to recognise and take ownership of their part in these negative cycles that change happens. They move away from blaming their partner and taking greater responsibility for their own responses.
Another important shift occurs when couples move away from being stuck on content and begin to understand the process of how they communicate and behave with each other. This often creates meaningful movement and change.
The Importance of Emotional Engagement
Once safety is established, therapy needs to shift deeper into emotional engagement. This is where partners are gently encouraged to express primary emotions such as sadness, hurt and disappointment. These emotions are often hidden beneath surface reactions such as anger and withdrawal.
In these circumstances, a partner risks vulnerability by showing softer emotions and their partner responds with compassion and empathy. Over time, a different bonding experience emerges, helping couples feel closer and more secure in their relationship.
A deeper emotional engagement is the essence of the change process.
Genuine change begins to grow when partners risk emotional vulnerability and receive different responses from each other.
What shifts couples away from awareness and towards long-lasting change is when, as therapy progresses, they begin to notice together the changes happening at home because of what they are learning in therapy. They start asking each other what is shifting and what they did differently this time.
From Awareness to Creating Lasting Relationship Change
Change in couples therapy is rarely a bolt from the sky. It unfolds through emotional shifts from both partners. It is vital that we continue to see the importance of change if our relationships are to grow and thrive in the future.
If you and your partner feel stuck in familiar patterns and would like support in creating lasting relationship change, couples counselling can help. I offer relationship counselling in North London and online, providing a safe space to explore your relationship, improve communication, and strengthen your emotional connection. Please do not hesitate to get in touch.