I recently wrote an article for Coupleworks on intergenerational living. That piece led me to think about another challenge many couples struggle with, and that I encounter repeatedly in my work as a relationship counsellor in North London. It is the experience of couples who become overwhelmed caring for their family. So much so that they stop really doing anything for each other.
Pulled in Every Direction
Many couples I work with in midlife are carrying an extraordinary amount. They are financially supporting adult children who are finding it increasingly difficult to get a foothold in life. They are helping with grandchildren, often stepping in at short notice to cover childcare. And at the same time, they are also worrying about ageing parents.
Layer on top of this the pressures that midlife brings in its own right: concerns about health, the physical and emotional effects of menopause, anxieties about retirement and finances, and the sheer relentlessness of it all. It is a great deal for any one person to carry. And it is a great deal for any couple to navigate together.
From the outside, these couples look capable and simply carry on. But in the consulting room, I often hear the same thing from one or both partners: "I feel permanently on call. And I am exhausted."
When Partners Become Co-Managers
One of the things that concerns me most in this pattern is how easily couples slip into a kind of managerial dynamic. The relationship stops being a source of warmth and connection and begins to feel more like a logistics operation. Conversations become dominated by who is collecting the grandchildren, whether the hospital appointment has been rearranged, and what needs to happen next.
There is nothing wrong with working as a team. In fact, teamwork is positive in all relationships. But there is a difference between a couple who feel like a team and two people who are simply managing tasks together. The first feels close. The second can feel profoundly lonely, even when you are rarely apart.
What often happens is that couples stop checking in with one another emotionally. They stop asking how the other person is really feeling. Things get bottled up. Resentment, worry, and a general feeling of being unseen and unheard all bubble beneath the surface of a functioning, busy life.
Guilt and the Cost of Putting Yourself Last
I often hear couples express guilt around the idea of setting time aside for their own relationship. When there are so many others relying on them, it almost feels indulgent.
And yet, if you do not tend to your relationship, it becomes very hard to look after anybody else. So, try to keep doing what you were always doing as a couple, as much as you possibly can. You may not be able to do everything with the same frequency, but stopping your routines, your time with friends, and your short breaks together as a couple will make everything else in life harder. We all need a break!
A Few Things That Can Help (H2)
Make your partner a priority, even when everything else is demanding your attention. Check in with one another regularly, not just about logistics, but about how you are both actually feeling. This helps to avoid the “bottling up” of feelings.
No topic should feel off-limits between you. And if your partner needs to talk, simply listening, without rushing to fix or advise, can matter more than you might realise.
Do not be afraid to ask for help, whether that is leaning on each other, reaching out to siblings, or finding out what practical support is available through a GP, carers association, or social services. Many people feel they should be managing everything alone. Most of the time, they should not be.
A Space to Share (H2)
In my role as a relationship counsellor in North London, I have sat with many couples where both or one partner feels overwhelmed caring for the family. What they are doing is admirable, and something we all would do for our loved ones. But that doesn’t negate the fact that their relationship needs to be treated as something worth tending to, not just what remains after everyone else has been looked after.
If any of this feels familiar, please do consider reaching out. You can contact me HERE. I offer a space where both of you feel heard, and where the relationship itself is finally allowed to come first.