During the recent Loneliness Awareness Week, I reflected on how some clients experience loneliness, even in committed relationships. It is something many people find surprising, even confusing. We may have preconceived ideas of what loneliness is. Some consider it an issue that only affects the elderly or bereaved. However, the truth is that loneliness can affect us all. As a relationship counsellor practising in West Hampstead, I have seen it seep into every section of society, regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation. Furthermore, dating someone or being in a long-term partnership does not shield you from feeling lonely. Feeling lonely in a relationship may be more common than you think.
The Difference Between Being Alone and Feeling Lonely
Being alone is a physical state. You might be on your own, but enjoy the space, the quiet, and the autonomy. It can be a healthy and restful experience. Feeling lonely, however, is emotional. You may be sitting beside your partner on the sofa or eating dinner at the same table and still feel as if you are worlds apart. This sense of disconnection and isolation, even in the presence of someone you love, is at the heart of emotional loneliness in a relationship.
Some signs that you might be experiencing this kind of loneliness include ongoing feelings of being misunderstood, emotionally unsupported, or invisible in your relationship. You may find that you are no longer sharing your day or inner thoughts, and instead, you are coexisting with very little real connection.
What Causes Loneliness in Relationships?
Loneliness in relationships is rarely the result of one issue. It often builds over time, influenced by life's changes and challenges.
Life transitions can be a significant factor. A new job with longer hours, becoming parents, retiring, or moving home or country. These shifts often throw couples off balance and reduce the time and energy they have for one another.
Incompatibility may also emerge over time. You may no longer feel your values or goals are aligned. Minor irritations build up, and instead of working as a team, you feel like strangers under the same roof.
Health problems, whether your own or a loved one's, can also create loneliness. One partner may become a caregiver or emotionally distant under the strain, leaving the other feeling unsupported.
Loss of intimacy, both emotional and physical, is another common cause. Without that close bond, people often begin to withdraw and stop sharing their true selves with their partner.
The Impact of Emotional Disconnection in a Relationship
Loneliness does not always make itself apparent. It can manifest as frequent arguments, feelings of resentment, or simply a lack of interest in talking to each other.
One client shared that after their first child was born, he felt sidelined. A year later, he believed his wife no longer cared about him. He even began to question if he should stay in the marriage.
Another client described a slow build-up of sadness and detachment after years of her partner always prioritising work. Only when the children left home did she recognise just how lonely she had felt for a long time. Left unchecked, this emotional gap can lead to withdrawal, depression, or even affairs.
How to Work Through Feeling Lonely in a Relationship
If you're feeling lonely in a relationship, one of the first and most important steps is to discuss it. Not in a way that blames or accuses, but to share how you are feeling. We often assume our partners should know what we need and what we are going through. The reality is that they more often don't, and they appreciate it when we make time to talk openly and honestly. Gently explaining that you are feeling disconnected and need more closeness can open the door to understanding.
However, it is not always easy to find the right words. If talking together feels too difficult or you are worried it will lead to conflict, this may be the time to see a couples counsellor. In therapy, you can explore these feelings together in a safe, neutral space.
I once listened to a podcast by Robin Hewings on loneliness in the workplace and found his perspective both relevant and realistic. He spoke about the impossibility of avoiding loneliness altogether, but emphasised the importance of not getting stuck in it, as that is what cuts deeply into people's relationships.
Reconnect with Support
If you have been feeling lonely in your relationship and do not know how to move forward, couples counselling can help. You do not have to stay stuck. With the proper support, many couples rediscover what brought them together and begin to build something stronger. If this article has resonated with you, consider reaching out for help; it could be the first step towards feeling close and connected again. I am a relationship counsellor based in West Hampstead, but I work with clients locally and online. You can contact me HERE.