As our life spans extend, more families find themselves caring for children and elderly parents simultaneously. In the U.K., we are not accustomed to having elderly parents live with us, which often happens in other cultures. So, we are generally unprepared for this stage and the impact it can have on our relationships. This article explores how to protect your marriage and relationship when caring for an elderly parent.
Caring for an Elderly Parent and How to Protect Your Marriage Along the Way
Caring for ageing parents can test even the strongest marriage. It is a significant life transition. If we don’t address or talk about the situation, it can lead to stress and emotional disconnect in our relationships.
The Hidden Strains of Caregiving on a Marriage
During counselling sessions at my North London practice, I often find that communication has broken down in the marriage for some time previously. Because of this, couples have not discussed how to prepare themselves for this stage in their lives.
Often, caregivers can be so caught up in the practicalities of their role that they lose sight of their partners. Couples may drift apart emotionally, assuming the other will “just be there” without expressing gratitude or checking in.
Unresolved Family Trauma & Resentment Spilling into the Marriage
We often base our response to ageing parents on our attachment styles. The psychiatrist, psychologist, and psychoanalyst John Bowlby understood the importance of the crucial bond between young children and their caregivers and adults and their relationship partners. He said the need for relationship bonds follows us from “the cradle to the grave”.
In my North London consulting room, I often hear how clients grapple with the difficult decision of whether to or how to care for now elderly parents who were unsupportive, neglectful or abusive. It’s not always easy to show love and support toward a parent when you didn’t receive any. These unresolved, resentful, angry feelings towards a parent can often be directed at our partners.
In contrast, just because you may have had a great relationship with your parents all your life doesn’t automatically mean you will find the extra love and generosity to care for them.
Many couples already juggle careers, children, and household responsibilities, so adding caregiving can feel overwhelming. The financial and time commitments required to care for a parent may lead to exhaustion, resentment, or financial strain.
Partners may have opposing views on caregiving responsibilities. There may be disagreements on who should help, how much time and money we should dedicate, or whether outside care is an option. If one spouse is the primary caregiver while the other takes a backseat, imbalances can breed resentment.
How to Protect Your Marriage While Caring for an Elderly Parent
1: Remember you are a team:
It’s essential we feel supported by our partners at these stressful times. So, prioritise communication and acknowledge the challenges by regularly checking in with each other to share feelings, concerns, and needs.
Make space for a safe and trusting conversation about your fears and concerns with your partner. If you start a conversation in a combative way, you are not likely to get the response or support you so badly need.
Equally, make sure your partner feels listened to and appreciated by you. When under stress, we tend to think these feelings are a given, not realising that our partners need to hear the words.
2: Don’t be afraid to ask for help – you can’t do it all:
Even if you are capable and organised, there is a limit to capacity, and you must ask for help. Seeking support from a partner, relative or friend to help you find practical information from social services, a GP, or an online service is something less for you to do. If you have siblings, ensure they share the load, and you have responsibilities.
3: Look after yourself:
Meeting the needs of an ageing parent can lead to mental and physical exhaustion, so it’s vital to find time to do things that help you look after yourself. Keep up with your exercise, take time out to have coffee or lunch with a friend or your partner, and get enough sleep.
Clients often tell me they feel guilty spending time looking after themselves and feel they should spend every free moment with an ageing parent. If you don’t look after yourself, you will find it increasingly difficult to look after others.
Caring for an elderly parent is a demanding, emotional journey, but your marriage doesn’t have to suffer. You can stay strong together through the caregiving experience by prioritising your marriage.
Communication, boundaries, and mutual and external support will help you navigate this transition while staying connected.
I often give my clients this quote by Mark Twain to give them hope: “Do not regret growing older—It is a privilege denied to many.”
If you’re caring for an elderly parent and need help navigating this period in your life, please get in touch. I work with clients virtually or at my practice in North London.