As we are well into January, my counselling sessions with clients at my West Hampstead clinic and online are in full swing. I often see patterns emerge as couples have taken time for reflection over the Christmas and New Year break. This year, there is some emphasis on past hurts and attachment injuries. But what is an attachment injury, and how can couples overcome this?
What is an Attachment Injury?
Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, defines an attachment injury as one that occurs when a partner fails to provide comfort and care during a critical time.
That moment when a partner fails to meet an urgent attachment need creates a wound in the relationship that can profoundly impact trust and emotional safety.
For example, if one has lost a job or has a health problem and a partner dismisses the urgency and responds with - don't worry about it, it's not that important - it can make you feel like your partner hasn't shown up for you in the way you need. You may question whether you can trust your partner to be there for you. Without trust, you can't risk being vulnerable and sharing. If this becomes a pattern in the relationship, the deeper you will feel hurt, the longer the wound festers, creating a negative cycle of blame, resentment and withdrawal. The result is that a relationship status can change quickly from secure to insecure.
How Common are Attachment Injuries?
At some point, every relationship experiences an Attachment Injury.
Last week, at one of my counselling sessions, a client told me that on her 50th birthday, her partner never gave her a birthday card or gift. She was heartbroken, but the couple never discussed her hurt. Ten years later, approaching her 60th birthday, she expected him to pull out all the stops. Unfortunately, the same thing happened, leaving her questioning whether to stay in the marriage. In a decade, the couple has never discussed or resolved this attachment injury, resulting in pain and disconnection for both.
Can an Attachment Injury heal?
The good news is that couples can heal from attachment injuries and restore their secure connection by working with an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) couples' therapist using the Attachment Injury Resolution Model (AIRM). This counselling process has three stages.
Stage 1: De-escalation
The injured partner identifies and names the event that caused the injury. Expressing pain and hurt in a safe environment.
The offending partner listens empathically without defensiveness, dismissiveness or justification. This stage of the process leads the offending partner to understand the event's significance better and acknowledge the pain caused to their partner.
Stage 2: Exploring the Impact of the Injury
The injured partner shares their feelings of betrayal and rejection, and the offending partner accepts their responsibility and expresses genuine remorse for the hurt caused. This part of the process helps the couple understand how the injury has changed their relationship.
Stage 3: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
With the help of your couples counsellor, you revisit the injury with renewed emotional responses that express care and love and identify how to avoid future injuries.
As part of this process, the injured partner must see and feel their partner's efforts to repair and forgive them. The offending partner needs to reassure the injured partner of their love and care to create a bonding relationship rather than a traumatic one.
Recognising When It's Time to Seek Help.
Pain and disconnection in a relationship can indicate unresolved attachment injuries.
However, with guidance from an EFT therapist, you can repair your relationship, move forward, and grow again, creating a stronger and more lasting bond.
While this is not always easy or quick, it is very worthwhile. I can help you from my clinic in West Hampstead or online. Please get in touch with me if you would like to discuss attachment injuries or any other challenges in your relationship. I offer couple's counselling sessions at my West Hampstead-based practice or online.