Reflecting on the Service of Remembrance for the men and women who gave their lives in the line of duty made me reflect on forgiveness and reconciliation. In any close relationship, there will be occasions when the behaviour of the other hurts one or both partners. But it's essential to explore what happens in these situations. Do we bear a grudge against our partner? Do we retaliate? Or can couples forgive each other? Even if nobody says sorry.
Why Forgiveness is Essential in Relationships:
Forgiving someone you love who has wronged you is challenging. If your partner has lied, kept secrets, done wrong, or cheated on you, the pain of betrayal is dreadful. However, knowing how to forgive your partner and let go of the hurt is vital for any relationship. It is one of the most important ways to keep your relationship growing.
When Forgiveness Feels Impossible:
I have counselled many couples over the years who come to therapy because one or both cannot let go of hurtful and harrowing emotions.
The painful situations that have caused such grievous hurt are wide and varied. One partner might be unable to forgive another for uprooting a family and moving to another country to pursue a job promotion. Another situation might be where a partner never attended antenatal classes, resulting in the other feeling unloved or unrecognised.
Forgiveness after an Affair:
It's normal for most partners to feel enraged if they suspect or find out that their partner is having an emotional or sexual affair. The reality is that affairs result from many complex and confusing factors. So, the couples involved need to work through and understand why the affair occurred in the first instance.
I have worked with couples where one partner had a drunken kiss with a colleague at a work drinks party. At the other end of the scale are secret affairs that have been happening alongside marriage and family life for several years. Both situations evoke varying difficult emotions.
Sometimes, my work with a couple continues for several years after an affair. This is often because the partner the affair has injured is conflicted. A partner may want to leave a marriage because of their moral compass but struggle with splitting up the family and causing emotional pain to their children.
The betrayed partner is scared to forgive. They worry that their partner might minimise their emotions and start to think moving forward is easy.
I recently met a couple where one partner wanted to leave the marriage and her two small children. She wanted to begin a new life with her affair partner. Her husband was so painfully hurt and full of resentment by her actions that he consistently refused to believe she was in love with someone else. He didn't understand how his behaviours towards her may have contributed to her wanting to leave.
Stuck in a Cycle:
It's hard to see any positive things about a relationship at times like this. Couples are left with only criticism, pointed flaws, and powerful negative feelings towards each other. It's essential to understand what may be triggering this stuck pattern and how it may be related to past trauma. Maintaining toxic negative patterns takes a lot of energy. It's much better to use that energy to find the courage and strength to forgive.
Breaking the cycle allows couples to move forward together rather than allowing unresolved resentments to dominate their relationships and put growth on hold.
The Benefits of Couple’s Counselling in Forgiveness:
Forgiveness can often feel completely out of reach for some couples. Unfortunately, the lack of progress wears them down, and they decide to end the relationship. But can couples forgive each other? The answer is yes. In fact, there are many benefits to putting the work in to forgive with the guidance of a couple's counsellor.
Communication is often more accessible in a safe and nurturing space as your counsellor will guide you to work as a team, not enemies. They'll help you understand each other's emotions, rebuild trust and show up for each other more lovingly and respectfully.
The Importance of Empathy in Forgiveness:
According to the late Sue Johnson, true caring is the first and most crucial step toward forgiveness. The partner who caused the hurt must take their partner's hurt seriously and care.
Until they recognise and validate their partner's pain, the partner cannot let go of it.
I often experience one partner doing everything they can to seek forgiveness, but their partner won't forgive, is stuck in the past and continually holds it against them. For deep hurts, it takes time; in my experience, it often takes years.
Here are my tips for managing your unforgiving partner:
- Don't lose hope. Adjust your expectations. There is no quick fix.
- Validate your partner's feelings of hurt.
- Listen to your partner and be more responsive to their emotions.
- Ask your partner what they need from you to help them move forward.
Forgiveness is not about Forgetting, but Moving Forward:
There is often an expectation that a partner can magically sweep away betrayal; this is not the case. However, forgiveness can begin a new chapter in your lives, which can help you build a stronger relationship because of what you've both been through.
If you’ve experienced betrayal and are wondering, "Can Couples Forgive Each Other?" The answer is yes. Please get in touch with me. I offer couples therapy and relationship counselling online and in West Hampstead, North London.